Father’s Day is a tough day for me. It always brings up a bag of mixed emotions. You see, my father left my mother when I was 12 years old. I remember the conversation, or at least the gist of it like it was yesterday - I was sitting at the kitchen table after a soccer practice (my father coached most of my soccer teams growing up) eating a bowl of cereal, where he sat across from me to give me the bad news. I remember him being very matter of fact about it, very few details. I was 12, what did I know about anything other than soccer and school at that point in my life? I remember him asking if I had any questions. I didn’t in the moment, because I guess I didn’t even understand what it all meant. It was short, sweet and to the point. And the next morning he was gone. That’s not the end of my relationship with my father, however it’s about as far as we’ll go into it for this particular post.
Now that I am a father myself, and obviously looking at Aria for inspiration when I say that I know this one simple principle to be true beyond beyond the shadow of doubt - that a duo of parents (gay, straight, green, or otherwise) create foundation in a child’s life. I truly believe that it was God’s intention for loving couples to raise children together. Clearly I’m not saying anything revolutionary here. The fact that a strong foundation is what anything needs to grow, flourish or simply to survive is basic level stuff. And my experience thus far as a father only confirms this fact: that my wife and I are the foundation, the frame if you will, through which Aria see’s the world, explores it, and becomes the person God made her to be. Not throwing hate or shade to anyone, or any particular situation. And shout out to all the single parents doin' their thing while I'm on the subject...
Being a man who is especially driven by his passions and goals, I have developed, if not understanding, perhaps some empathy for my own father and his life decisions. My father is a lot of things, and one of his best qualities is his persistence and work ethic to tackle things he believes in, a quality which I thankfully have inherited. I also now know a bit more about his past, and how badly his foundation was rocked by his own father. My confusion lies in why this type of behavior is so often times past down from father to son, but that’s very much a thought for another time. That all being said, I wouldn’t be honest in depicting my reality if I didn’t say that just the act of him ‘leaving’ was enough to really mess me up, and how much I have struggled with it, really through each stage of my life to present day. Aside from the ‘it happened to me, so I’d never do that to my family’ thing (which is absolutely 100% real), Aria’s extraordinary entry into the world and the family team that was created is something far stronger than anything even the legions from all levels of hell could pull apart. I am so grateful for that enate knowledge and understanding, which was initially founded before God in Las Vegas December 31st, 2013 and divinely reinforced and strengthened in New York February 15th, 2015, praise Him.
Think for a moment from the perspective of a child. From the moment you are born your entire reality is your parents. Everything you know, comes from them. Your parents, in theory, are demonstrating to us (and teaching us) the proper and healthy way to live; and we grow up knowing instinctively that they love us unconditionally, and perhaps more importantly, that they love each other unconditionally. When that picture, that trust, that foundation is shattered...how could they possibly begin to feel like they have a grip on what’s what anymore? This thought is enough for me. Figuring whatever else comes along is worth it to avoid my daughter knowing what it feels like for her home, her truth, to break.
Back to present day, one of the - if not thee thing I struggle with the most as a father is time management; and by that I don’t only mean scheduling out my time better, rather learning how to take off the ‘business hat’ when I need to be wearing the ‘family hat,’ or any other hat I put on from time to time. Similarly to texting and driving, it is impossible, and ultimately detrimental to try to do both at the same time. Part of this problem really has nothing to do with being a parent, rather that I have made my career something that I truly am passionate about and love doing. I’ve never known how to turn it off. Not only that, but the artist’s career path isn’t exactly the road to financial stability. However now, as a family man and father, I have this little person (and my wife) who is pulling for and more importantly needs and deserves that time just as much, so finding that stability and balance is the main focus at the moment. Which leads me to my second struggle...
Which is not being able to provide financially for my family the way that I want to. Unfortunately as an artist you rarely make in dollars what your passion is worth, and there comes a time when you even begin to question your own artistic value when you just can’t seem to catch your break. I am currently battling with this very thought, and the slippery tongue of the enemy hissing in my ear trying to get me to forget my own self and artistic worth. Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem working side jobs, in fact I still do. Up to just a month ago I had either been pulling 5am opening hours at Starbucks or flipping burgers and fries at the local burger joint for the past 2 years in addition to the usual teaching, choreographing, and judging dance competition grind just to get by, forget about auditioning or producing.
At my most desperate meetings with God, well, really every meeting with God should be desperate, you know what I’m saying - I’m talking about on my knees crying out to God type desperate, is when God gives me the clearest communications, language wise. However the phrase or sentence upon occasion is most always laced with additional riddle for me to work through. Other times, it’s very clear, with little room for interpretation. Most recently, when my last day job waiting tables didn’t end up working out (let’s just say) I found myself in my car, tears flowing, crying out. His response, ‘you must become the father that I need you to be...first...the rest will come’ I’m paraphrasing here, but this has given me some hope to grab onto and some confirmation of my faith, because I am not that father....yet. But I’m assuming that once I work that out, Lord help me, the rest will fall into place. And in the mean time, all I can do is walk forward in faith that it will.
#FaithIt #Fatherhood #TeamMinniti #BePresent #BecomeWhoYouWereMeantToBe